Well, yesterday I was told I am a part of a dysfunctional family, wow, I didn't even know we were dysfunctional. Do I need to act different or what? What makes a dysfunctional family? Let's look a little bit at history. Was Andy Griffith's family dysfunctional because it was just Andy, Aunt Bee and Opie and no Mom? Was the Cleaver family on Leave it to Beaver functional because June stayed home all day wearing pearls and high heels and cleaned house all day? Was the Cosby household on the Bill Cosby show functional because there was a mother and father, 5 children and grandparents? But then the daughter moved out and then moved back in so did they become dysfunctional?
Have you ever really thought about that term and how easily it is used in conversations describing family units or sometimes just describing people. When you look up the definition of dysfunctional this is what you will find:
"Abnormal or impaired functioning, especially of a bodily system or social group" or "a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system".
To me this states that a dysfunctional family is one that has some abnormal behavior with in the unit of the family that effects the family as a whole. Now think about this. First off, what is normal behavior. Can you in 3 simple sentences describe normal behavior in a family that could be used in all family situations?
In every family, with more than one individual, there will probably be at one time a dysfunctional moment. In order to be a functional family, you do not have to model the Cleaver or Cosby family, I think the Andy Griffith family was quite functional. I have seen many family situations that are not the perfect set up, but yet they are functioning quite well.
Dysfunctional family could describe every family at one time or another. However, this to me is a strong term implying a family that never has "normal" times or good times. Yes, some families are like that I'm sure, but not the majority. So enjoy your family, appreciate the fact even though you are related by blood or have lived together for a long time there will be differences in how you react to situations and what you believe. Celebrate these differences because they
make the whole family unit better and stronger.
Do I have a dysfunctional family? My answer is no. Do I live in a family with interesting characters? The answer is yes. Do I appreciate all of their differences? Unfortunately the answer is not always yes. But I'm working on it.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Young People are like Clay
Today I was talking to an individual who has a 17 year old son. This young man is having some psychological problems and is having a difficult time being comfortable in this world at this time. While I was talking to her, I realized I became quite passionate about wanting to help this young man.
I love the high school and college age individual. I stated this to the woman I was talking to and she replied, "that's unusual, most people don't like them". In my heart and mind, I thought this was sad.
Individuals from about 12 to around 25 years of age are like a handful of clay. They are being molded and remolded before they are actually fired in a kiln and made an adult. Yes, even after being fired sometimes prematurely, changes are made because of brokage. The broken parts can be repaired, but there will always be that line where the repair was made that might not be seen on the outside, but left a lasting impression on the inside. If this glob of clay can be formed while soft and pliable in a good way, then there is less chance of breakage.
This makes me think of a friend of mine who makes small clay creations, shaped like individuals. In her creations, she adds expressions and items on the clay people that depicts their personality, their desires, their hobbies and their loves. When she makes these, she has told me that at times she has to start over and remold them completely because it just didn't turn out right the first time. She works and works molding the clay with her hands, working it to make it perfect, making changes here and there as she goes, so that the finished product is the right image of that specific person. Everyone of her creations are unique.
Now think about this, in relation to a young person. They are like a glob of clay. However, with these young moldable individuals there is more than one set of hands working on them. Even though the parent or guardian would like to believe that they are the major influence in this individual's life, it may not be true. They have input into their lives from their peer group, from teachers, from coworkers at that after school job, from ministers or priests, from siblings, from just about anyone they come into contact with. Every time they interact with another, there is an impression made in the clay. Some of these dents or impressions are good and some are not. It is the responsibility of the individual to decide which dents to keep and which ones to smooth out and get rid of. A parent or guardian or someone who cares about this person can help with this molding process.
This is what I enjoy, making lasting impressions on these young people. They have so much potential. I like to encourage the individuals to explore and find out what really makes them happy, not temporary happiness but true happiness. I have talked to alot of young people, my children included and I like to find out what their desires are. My oldest son, when he was in college came to a crossroads in his life when he needed to change his major and direction in life. I told him to go the counselor, tell that counselor what he wants to do the rest of his life, tell that person what activity or job description would make him happy and not seem like a job.
The counselor was wonderful and spent several hours with him sorting through majors that would get him where it wanted to go. He changed his major and has been happy with that decision since. This process made him think about himself and who he truly is. He searched his heart for happiness and found it, with no restrictions.
At times, I think that some of these young people are made to believe that their unique ways of living and seeing the world are wrong if they waver from the "norm". With this belief, they begin to alienate themselves from others, thinking that they don't fit in. They should be accepted for who they are and help them learn how their unique ways can enhance their life and effect others in a positive way.
The young people from 12 to 25 years of age need to be listened to and respected for who they are and the potential they have. In a perfect world, every individual will have at least one person who will affect their lives in a positive way. You could be that person for just one individual or even more. Look for the potential in everyone you meet, but especially in the young person, who is still soft and pliable. Celebrate their diversity and help mold them into a creation that can be productive and happy in the world they live.
I love the high school and college age individual. I stated this to the woman I was talking to and she replied, "that's unusual, most people don't like them". In my heart and mind, I thought this was sad.
Individuals from about 12 to around 25 years of age are like a handful of clay. They are being molded and remolded before they are actually fired in a kiln and made an adult. Yes, even after being fired sometimes prematurely, changes are made because of brokage. The broken parts can be repaired, but there will always be that line where the repair was made that might not be seen on the outside, but left a lasting impression on the inside. If this glob of clay can be formed while soft and pliable in a good way, then there is less chance of breakage.
This makes me think of a friend of mine who makes small clay creations, shaped like individuals. In her creations, she adds expressions and items on the clay people that depicts their personality, their desires, their hobbies and their loves. When she makes these, she has told me that at times she has to start over and remold them completely because it just didn't turn out right the first time. She works and works molding the clay with her hands, working it to make it perfect, making changes here and there as she goes, so that the finished product is the right image of that specific person. Everyone of her creations are unique.
Now think about this, in relation to a young person. They are like a glob of clay. However, with these young moldable individuals there is more than one set of hands working on them. Even though the parent or guardian would like to believe that they are the major influence in this individual's life, it may not be true. They have input into their lives from their peer group, from teachers, from coworkers at that after school job, from ministers or priests, from siblings, from just about anyone they come into contact with. Every time they interact with another, there is an impression made in the clay. Some of these dents or impressions are good and some are not. It is the responsibility of the individual to decide which dents to keep and which ones to smooth out and get rid of. A parent or guardian or someone who cares about this person can help with this molding process.
This is what I enjoy, making lasting impressions on these young people. They have so much potential. I like to encourage the individuals to explore and find out what really makes them happy, not temporary happiness but true happiness. I have talked to alot of young people, my children included and I like to find out what their desires are. My oldest son, when he was in college came to a crossroads in his life when he needed to change his major and direction in life. I told him to go the counselor, tell that counselor what he wants to do the rest of his life, tell that person what activity or job description would make him happy and not seem like a job.
The counselor was wonderful and spent several hours with him sorting through majors that would get him where it wanted to go. He changed his major and has been happy with that decision since. This process made him think about himself and who he truly is. He searched his heart for happiness and found it, with no restrictions.
At times, I think that some of these young people are made to believe that their unique ways of living and seeing the world are wrong if they waver from the "norm". With this belief, they begin to alienate themselves from others, thinking that they don't fit in. They should be accepted for who they are and help them learn how their unique ways can enhance their life and effect others in a positive way.
The young people from 12 to 25 years of age need to be listened to and respected for who they are and the potential they have. In a perfect world, every individual will have at least one person who will affect their lives in a positive way. You could be that person for just one individual or even more. Look for the potential in everyone you meet, but especially in the young person, who is still soft and pliable. Celebrate their diversity and help mold them into a creation that can be productive and happy in the world they live.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Expectancy or expectation
I just recently read a book titled "The Shack" by William P. Young. The book was about another man's experience with God. It is very interesting, but maybe a little hard to grasp all that he is trying to say to us. However, one part of the book really hit home to me, it made sense to me.
The part of the book was about friendship and the relationship you have with another person. He used to words similar yet different, expectancy and expectation. I will quote his words and then put my spin on it.
"If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart,there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges form our being togehther is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation'-spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. Your are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do or the responsibilities of a good friend."
I love this, I love that someone else wrote it down. It has always bothered me that people, friends, but mostly family put expectations on your relationship with them. They expect you to do this or that, they place rules on relationships. In my opinion this is wrong. We should enjoy the times we have together and appreciate them. Everyone has their own lives and activities and are unable to make every event. People, relatives and friends should be happy for the times they are together and don't fret about the times they can't be together. I notice this more with family. I think that over the years too many rules or expectations are put into the family relationships and people get upset when those expectations are not met. In my opinion, it's the family unit that should be more accepting and less expecting. With the rules and expectations, it is difficult to enjoy the relationship and the expectancy of fun and laughter when together.
Just think about this, are you guilty of expectations? Don't you want to live in a life of expectancy or of hope, and not be limited by rules of relationships.
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